Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
