And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
