I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
