White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
