I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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