So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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