you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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