Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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