I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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