very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
