It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
false alarm, still single
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
