you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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