Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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