Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
