i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
