Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
