Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
