its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
