Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
