$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
