Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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