I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You made out with two different species that night
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
