why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
