I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
