Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
