Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
