I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
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