it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I need a burrito and a hug.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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