my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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