Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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