I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
