Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
