And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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