Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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