I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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