Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
