Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
