i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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