I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Ketchup is God's man juice
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
