I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
