how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
