i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
