I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
