2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
