I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
