if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
