Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
