Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
