are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
