Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
