dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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